


the sea is a good place to think of the future

by awwclint



Series: Trans Yuri [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Apocalypse, Bonding, Connections, Depression, Disappearance, Eating Disorders, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Late Night Conversations, Loneliness, Longing, MCD in Chapter 7, Mild Blood, Perfectionism, Poetry, Recovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Trans Yuri Plisetsky, unsafe binding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-06-25 19:39:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19752475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awwclint/pseuds/awwclint
Summary: a collection of trans yuri poetry, often featuring yuri with an eating disorder





	1. be alright

**Author's Note:**

> man i latched onto yuri like, immediately when i started watching yuuri on ice, and i lov him a fuckton

he’s alright  
growing his hair out  
and working for hours  
and leaving his limits  
in the dust

he’s alright  
surpassing expectations  
and training for hours  
and trying not to think  
too much

he’s alright  
growing older  
and growing up  
and changing, changing  
far too fast

he’s alright  
growing older  
and drinking from the bottle  
and always training  
never stopping

he’s alright  
fighting to the top  
and fighting to stay there  
and never thinking  
for too long

he’s alright  
skipping meals  
and drowning in vodka  
and fighting his own body  
he’s fine

he’s alright  
turning into a mess  
and fainting during training  
and being left behind   
he’s fine

he’s alright  
picking up a pack of smokes  
and sitting on the roof  
and finally thinking  
about it all

he’s not alright  
but he can make it better  
and train from dawn to dusk  
and work for the body he needs  
and leave the destruction behind

he’ll be alright


	2. but she doesnt know how

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a rare trans female yuri has appeared

she wants to be  
great

but she doesn’t know how

she wants to be  
beautiful

but she doesn’t know how

she wants to be  
strong

but she doesn’t know how

she wants to be  
free

but she doesn’t know how  
(to stop bottling it up)

she wants to be  
perfect

but she doesn’t know how

she wants to be  
infinite

but she doesn’t know how

she wants to be  
loved

but she doesn’t know how  
(to love herself)

she wants to be—  
no.

she is a girl


	3. rest

gold  
he made it  
he worked ~~too much~~  
he pushed himself ~~too hard~~  
he practiced ~~for too long~~  
he can rest

silver  
he slipped  
he didnt work hard enough  
~~he rested~~  
he stopped pushing himself  
~~he paced himself~~  
he didnt practice long enough  
~~he stopped binding during practice~~  
he needs to get back on track

bronze  
he failed  
he didnt ~~couldnt~~ work hard enough  
he didnt ~~couldnt~~ push himself enough  
he didnt ~~couldnt~~ practice long enough  
he has to ~~cant~~ fix this

silver  
hes getting better again  
hes working hard  
~~his muscles are screaming~~  
hes pushing himself  
~~hes drinking his meals~~  
hes practicing tirelessly  
~~his ribs protest every second~~  
hes getting back on track  
~~he needs help~~

gold  
he makes it  
he ~~collapses~~ works  
he ~~breaks~~ pushes himself  
he ~~falls apart~~ practices  
he needs to ~~cant~~ rest

gold  
hes working  
~~people have noticed~~  
hes pushing himself  
~~hes dying~~  
hes practicing  
~~hes dying~~

he cant rest  
~~he needs rest~~  
he _cant—_  


gold  
hes dying  
viktor is there  
yuuri is there  
they wont let him die  
he rests


	4. together, we live

one day  
yuri walks in on her  
hunched over the toilet  
tears drying on her face  
he gives her his water bottle

he isnt a hypocrite  
so he doesnt lecture her  
all he can say is  
“dont die, asshole”

one day  
mila spots him off to the side  
picking at a salad  
holding back tears  
she gives him a diet soda

she isnt a hypocrite  
so she doesnt lecture him  
all she can say is  
“dont die, asshole”

one day  
yuri hears her call his name  
she asks if he has  
some mouthwash, or maybe a mint  
he gives her a pack of gum

he isnt a hypocrite  
so he doesnt lecture her  
all he can say is  
“dont die, asshole”

one day  
mila hears him call her name  
he asks if she has  
some gloves, or maybe a scarf  
she gives him her sweater

she isnt a hypocrite  
so she doesnt lecture him  
all she can say is  
“dont die, asshole”

one day  
yuri is scared when he finds her  
lying on the bathroom floor  
scarlet splattered on the toilet  
he wakes her up and makes her eat

he isnt a hypocrite  
so he doesnt lecture her  
his voice trembles as he says  
“dont die, asshole”

one day  
mila is scared when she finds him  
lying on the kitchen floor  
bruises blossoming under his binder  
she wakes him up and makes him eat

she isnt a hypocrite  
so she doesnt lecture him  
her voice trembles as she says  
“dont die, asshole”

one day  
yuri hears her murmur his name  
she asks if hes willing  
to help her recover  
he doesnt hesitate

he isnt a hypocrite  
so he doesnt lecture her  
she trembles as he says  
“dont die, asshole”

one day  
mila hears him murmur her name  
he asks if shes willing  
to help him recover  
she doesnt hesitate

she isnt a hypocrite  
so she doesnt lecture him  
he trembles as she says  
“dont die, asshole”


	5. he should be here

its late  
and shes the only skater who hasnt gone home  
and she shouldnt be

he should be here

its late  
and she has a spare protein bar in her bag  
and she shouldnt

he should have eaten it

its late  
and shes walking home alone  
and she shouldnt be

he should be here

its late  
and she hasnt been called a hag in days  
and she should have been

he should have called her a hag

its late  
and shes sobbing in her bathroom alone  
and she shouldnt be

he should be here


	6. just this once

its his grandpas birthday

he can do it  
he can let it slide  
just this once  
for his grandpa

its his grandpas birthday

he can do it  
he can let himself eat  
just this once  
for his grandpa

its his grandpas birthday

he can do it  
theres cake and pirozhki  
and just this once  
he can let it slide

its his grandpas birthday

he can do it  
he can let go of his control  
just this once  
he cant worry his grandpa on his birthday

its his grandpas birthday

he can do it  
he can take a shot  
and forget to count calories  
and eat whatever he wants

its his grandpas birthday

he can do it  
he can stand in the kitchen  
and eat pirozhki  
and celebrate

its his grandpas birthday

and his grandpa deserves the world  
so he wont worry his grandpa  
not today  
just this once, he can let it slide


	7. a memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mcd and heavy stuff in this one - some kind of war/apocalypse au

yuri still remembers  
innocence

the most important thing  
was victory

he’d never say it aloud  
but he desperately wanted  
to make mila proud  
to prove himself to viktor  
to compete against yuuri with both of them giving it all

yuri still remembers  
skating

none of them have touched blade to ice  
in months

he’d never say it aloud  
but he doesn’t need to  
mila sees his exhaustion  
viktor sees his desperation  
yuuri sees his agony

yuri still remembers  
family

his grandfather…  
he can’t think about it

and suddenly,  
viktor can’t see his desperation anymore  
viktor will never see anything again  
and mila holds him close  
he sobs, screams  
raw, agony, fear, disbelief, hurt, _hurt_  
and yuuri clings to him like a lifeline

yuri still remembers  
bliss

viktor is gone now  
yuri hasn’t slept since

he’d never say it aloud  
but he’s never been more terrified  
or hopeless in this never ending war  
he needs mila as much as mila needs him  
he needs yuuri as much as yuuri needs him

yuri still remembers  
every face  
every enemy  
every friend  
every innocent caught in the crossfire

yuuri doesn’t last much longer  
and yuri didn’t know that his heart  
could hurt this badly without killing him

it’s the two of them now  
and it’s harder  
than ever before  
but they made a vow, at the beginning of it all  
they swore to never give up  
and to never give in

yuri still remembers  
viktor and yuuri

and he’ll make sure that mila survives  
no matter what it takes  
and he’ll make damn sure  
that their names go down in history  
as heroes


	8. similarities

yura  
i know it is late  
and i know we don’t talk often  
but i need to talk to someone  
and i cant imagine telling  
anyone else

i want to tell you  
to fuck off  
you’re right, we’re don’t talk often  
and we’re not fucking close  
but it’s late  
so talk before i change my mind

i’m sorry  
if i’m bothering you  
i can go

don’t you dare  
you wanted to talk  
so we’ll talk

sorry  
i just—  
sometimes, i think  
of the things i’ve never said out loud  
and i wish i was brave enough  
to open up

i hate to admit it  
but yeah  
i can relate  
there’s a lot of shit i’ve been through  
and i’ve never told a soul  
and it kinda hurts

yura  
you can tell me anything  
if you want

if i tell you shit  
then you have to tell me  
it‘ll probably help

it’s just hard  
you know?  
i think the very reason  
i need to talk  
is what’s keeping me  
from talking

believe me  
i know  
but you can trust me  
as gross as that sounds  
you know i won’t repeat  
a word

i trust you  
of course  
it’s just hard

i trust you too  
would it help  
if i went first?

no, i just need  
to say it  
without overthinking  
yura, i have anxiety  
i have for years now  
and it paralyzes me

there’s nothing wrong  
with that, katsudon  
it’s an illness, even if it can’t be seen  
i know there’s nothing wrong with that  
because i’ve been anorexic  
since before i knew i was a boy

i had no idea  
i’m sorry  
i never noticed

don’t be  
i hid it well  
i didn’t want you to notice

i guess we’re more similar  
than i thought  
aren’t we?

i’ll never admit  
that i said this  
but i guess we are

yura,  
if you need help  
or if you need to talk  
or if you need  
anything at all  
will you talk to me?

i won’t promise shit  
but i’ll try  
i guess  
but it’s the same for you  
you need shit, talk to me  
got it?

i’ll try  
i promise  
thank you

don’t thank me  
katsudon  
it’s no big deal

it is a big deal  
it’s a piece of your history  
and i’m glad you decided  
to trust me with it

yeah, yeah  
i never said this  
but i’m glad  
that you trusted me too


	9. each of them

he’ll never be enough  
he will always fall short  
he can’t win  
he always fails  
viktor deserves so much better  
than someone like him  
and one day,  
viktor will realize it  
and one day,  
viktor will leave him  
and nothing scares him more  
katsuki yuuri is afraid

he’ll never be satisfied  
he will always fall short  
no matter how often he wins  
it is never enough  
for it is not victory he craves  
it is devotion  
and one day,  
yuuri will grow tired of his dramatics  
and one day,  
yuuri will leave him  
but he doesn’t think of the future, for in the present, he is satisfied  
viktor nikiforov is in love

he’ll never be perfect  
he will always fall short  
no matter how little he eats  
no matter how tight he binds  
he will never attain  
the image of perfection in his dreams  
and one day, viktor will leave him  
and one day, yuuri will leave him  
and one day, even his grandfather will leave him  
he strives for perfection so that they will stay  
and he still mourns his innocence  
yuri plisetsky is lost

each of them  
petrified by the idea of alone  
each of them  
in love with the idea of agape  
each of them  
lost in the idea of perfection  
each of them struggling  
drowning side by side  
each of them unwilling  
to ask for help  
but each of them more than willing  
to help each other, even if they haven’t been asked


	10. he hopes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> continuation of each of them

he sees yuuri  
leaning over the edge of the rink  
he sees viktor watching him with longing

he sighs

he sees viktor  
making up his mind and approaching  
he sees yuuri startle at viktor’s sudden appearance

he sighs

he hears murmurs of insecurities  
he hears whispers of promises  
he hears love

he sighs

he remembers conversations  
of insecurities, of fears  
he remembers being a priority

he sighs

he doesn’t blame viktor  
for paying closer attention to yuuri  
he doesn’t blame yuuri for needing viktor’s attention

he sighs

he remembers whispered conversations  
murmured confessions of a drive for perfection  
he remembers relying on others

he sighs

he hopes viktor and yuuri can be happy  
he really does hope that they work things out  
but he’s still lost  
and he still hopes that someone will find him


End file.
